Response to Emily Feagin's "The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac"

“The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac” is a simple tale from the mothers point of view describing her daughters wedding and all the confusion and issues surrounding it. I enjoyed the issue of age, as today this seems like a recurring theme I hear about every week. I wanted to see this played up a bit more, possibly include another scene with Ruth, Isaac and the mother and explain how age is a huge factor, but the kids just don’t get it. The beginning also caught my attention quit well, as the flashback serves as a great remembrance and contrast of the mother having her daughter at a young age and letting go of her years later.

The mothers tone is also very persuasive and makes the audience believe that she just hates the idea of the wedding, but as the end draws closer, you realize that the mother has changed her way of thinking and it almost feels as if she is happy for her daughter. I think you need to incorporate more dialogue and more scenes , as portraying certain aspects would help this story tremendously, especially since it is not very long and you have plenty of room to express multiple emotions in various scenes. I think if you have a scene expressing the mothers hate for the marriage, as well as her change of heart, that this would do the story great justice.

If you want to include the religious theme, I think you need to emphasize it more in Ruth’s life I did not see anything about Ruth praying about marriage or anything of that nature, so including an aspect like that may help.

Response to Paul Vance's "Support Group"

“Support Group” is about Jules, a man with many issues, talking to a support group about all of the awful things he has done, specifically all the awkward times of masturbation. At the end he explains that he would like to receive help and help other people himself, but then decided he has to leave to run “errands.”

I am not sure that I have read an entire story of dialogue from one person. I had to read it twice to realize how funny and fluid the story line is. Most of the dialogue is very believable and makes the audience realize that Jules should really be in this suport group. Although the instances of masturbation are wrong enough, he also mentions he has many problems, letting the audience know that he is likely an untrustworthy narrator. I enjoy this aspect of Jules because you never know when he is going to stop and let someone else talk. He is so concerned about his awfulness that he knows he needs help, but refuses to accept, a true sign of someone in distress. When he continues to tell the group that he is sorry about saying all these things, it gives him a more sympathetic aspect that made me feel like I should care about this person, but then the end came and he didn’t really change at all. I would have liked to see more of a change in Jules, but the ending needs to stay, just possibly have a longer length of time where he really thinks he can change himself. 

Overall I don’t think you should change too much, just emphasize more of a change and you will have a more complete story.

Response to Janelle Green's "Safe"

“Safe” was a relatively simple story that involves a girl who haas had a difficult relationship with her father and finds her comfort in presence of her brother and dog. A few things I enjoyed about the story were the descriptions of how the intruder came into the house, how the daughter’s dog was her kind of soul mate and how the father was described as sort of a loner and someone who just wasn’t right for the type of family they wanted. 

There are a few grammatical errors that make the story more confusing than it should be. Comma splices, the use of the word like and really a lot also make the story have sort of a child like perspective that I do not think you want it to be. 

I felt that character development was there, but lacking at the same time. I want to see more of the brother and sister relationship, as well as both of them with the dog, possibly a scene with all three of them and then the dad pops in unwanted. I want to know what the sister wants from the dad and how either happens or doesn’t. The current ending explains that the dad will likely not change with his awful behavior, but I think if you provide more detail on how the daughter changes with the brother in regards to the relationship between the dad, you will have a much more complete story.

Response to Kevin Boy's "Where to Start"

      Where it Starts” is a short story involving the narrator, Darroll, who is living with a family that find it normal to shelter him from obvious and normal activities. He eventually finds out that a favorite car of his that his grandpa once owned was supposed to be given to him after grandpa died, but his parents lied to him and either sold it or did something else with it. Several things I enjoyed in this story were the description of the basement, as it seemed to come across as very eerie and a place that was filled with the past that Darroll did not want to deal with. I also liked the descriptions after Darroll finds out the car was rightfully his, as it shows his true anger and did not overdue it, but made the audience feel his anger not only toward his parents, but toward the way of life his parents made him live.

A few things that I felt could be changed or corrected is the tone of family. I feel like this story wants to revolve around how different and sheltered the family treats Darroll, but the tone of the parents is too careful for me and not mean enough. It needs more negative emotion. Possibly use more dialogue with the parents to explain how strange and different the way they treat Darroll is. I also did not see much character development from Darroll from start to finish. It seems like Darroll is aware of the way his family treats him, and in the end he is just even angrier. I want to see how he plans to change his way of life, his wants and how his parents plan to counter his actions of possibly becoming more independent. 

I also felt like you could have shown me more with the story instead of told me. There is a lot of descriptions of how Darroll looks at different aspects of life, and I would probably keep most of them, but maybe change the way they are presented by using actions and scenes instead of simply stating what he thinks. An example of this would be when Darroll opens the story by explaining “the voices” in his head, possibly replace this with a scene that shows Darroll realizing these external forces working against him instead of simply stating that they are there.

The grandpa seems to be acting as a sort of savior in the story. Play with this aspect more and try to incorporate it with more emphasize. 

The ending left me with lots of questions. What happens to Darroll? Does he find the car? Do his parents prevent him from finding the car? The ending feels like the ending of a chapter in a longer piece instead of an ending. Incorporate the answers to some of these questions and the story should feel more complete and show more character development.

Response to Jhumpa Lahiri's "Once in a Lifetime"

“Once in a lifetime” is a fairly simply written narrative about an Indian family moving from India back to the United States. We do not find out until the end about the motives of moving back, but the story uses a good sense of slight turmoil and irritation to build tension within the household between the two families. Although there is specific and a scarce amount of dialogue, it seems to work well with emphasizing the points it’s trying to convey. 

Something I would like to try using more in my writing that was present in this piece was the use of a literary device, in this case a bottle of whiskey. Most of the time I have read amateur work alcohol is either over done or thrown in for no reason. In this piece it is mentioned just enough that the reader wonders why the family is drinking it, and after the ending, realizes its purpose and effectiveness. 

I wanted to see more from the crush of the daughter on the other families son. I thought that it would possibly mean something deeper, but after the ending it seemed minute. I appreciated the flow of the writing and how easy and logical the story read, it provided enough detail to understand that the narrator is a shy and almost unnatural individual if your comparing her to an average American, but at the same time she is curious and shows development from start to finish.

Overall, I really enjoyed how the characters finally connected at the end and how certain instances made more sense after realizing that the mother has breast cancer. The writing style worked for me and may be something I would be willing to try on my own, writing in this easy going methodical format.

Response to Christina Kettering's "Password Protected"

“The Bleeps and Blips of Life” is about a struggling family having to deal with the eventual death of their father who is in a coma. Throughout the entire story, I thought you did a good job with the descriptions, whether it be the linoleum floors or describing the heart monitors and ventilators, most of the descriptions seemed to get the job done in a precise manor. 

I enjoyed the tension between the sisters, it was especially drama pact because all of the arguing they were doing was in front of their dying dad, and not being able to reconcile their past and be at piece with each other makes the hospital situation even more intense.

I thought there needed to be more back story on the dad and mom. Tell us how he got into a coma specifically, not just that he has cancer. And maybe even give us another flashback that portrays that dad was such an amazing character, giving that much more emotion into the hospital situation.

The mom left me with a few questions as well. Does she ever do anything about her ex-husband being in the hospital? Just conclude the mom situation with something more concrete, such as she might have come to the hospital and cried about him, but had to leave because se couldn’t stand to watch him like that.

The dialogue was also very fluid and believable, I think that is a major part in the overall effectiveness of this story. Continue to build the tensions with the sisters and add in more back story and I think you will have more effective piece.

Response to Shelby Rice's "The Bleeps and Blips of Life"

“The Bleeps and Blips of Life” is about a struggling family having to deal with the eventual death of their father who is in a coma. Throughout the entire story, I thought you did a good job with the descriptions, whether it be the linoleum floors or describing the heart monitors and ventilators, most of the descriptions seemed to get the job done in a precise manor. 

I enjoyed the tension between the sisters, it was especially drama pact because all of the arguing they were doing was in front of their dying dad, and not being able to reconcile their past and be at piece with each other makes the hospital situation even more intense.

I thought there needed to be more back story on the dad and mom. Tell us how he got into a coma specifically, not just that he has cancer. And maybe even give us another flashback that portrays that dad was such an amazing character, giving that much more emotion into the hospital situation.

The mom left me with a few questions as well. Does she ever do anything about her ex-husband being in the hospital? Just conclude the mom situation with something more concrete, such as she might have come to the hospital and cried about him, but had to leave because se couldn’t stand to watch him like that.

The dialogue was also very fluid and believable, I think that is a major part in the overall effectiveness of this story. Continue to build the tensions with the sisters and add in more back story and I think you will have more effective piece.

Response to Cole Stuart's "Status Quo"

Status Quo was essentially a narrative revolving around a student who was not entirey sure oh how to think about his life. The overall story was a bit confusing in the sense that I was not sure what the main character wanted, but I also thought that the narrator was confused with himself as to what he wanted. The ending threw me off a bit too, as I am not sure what the act of smoking weed does to the story, unless you are using it to explain how unsure the narrator is about things and is just trying everything he can. I saw a bit of character change toward the ending when he explains that he had total silence, but other than that I think you can emphasize more change over the entire piece. Your descriptions of detention and how they smoked the joint in the car for the first time were vivid and to the point, but I don’t know if you need to include these longer descriptions about these situations when you really want to focus on how the three guys in detention are changing the narrator and the narrator is confused on multiple levels.

When you mention how the narrator wears cloths just to get comments from his friends that also implies his uncertainness in the story. The uncertainness was my favorite part of the piece, but you need to play with it more to have more developed character change and show me how, by the uncertainness of him doing things, that he changes for better or for worse and then go from there.

Response to Mathew Diaz's "Series of Omissions"

     “Series of Omissions” reminds me of a eulogy. The format is a kind of short, but descriptive narrative of Norman O’Connor’s life. You do a very good job of getting emotion out of me, something that is often hard to do. Explaining how Norman was not there for his daughter, and how he treated his wife bad at time, but never let go of them is a kind of great contrast. Although there wasn’t true back and forth dialogue, I think the audience can almost feel some of the conversations that would happen between Norman and the family by the way the specific situations are described. 

I am a little confused by the mention of the Order of the Hibernians and Knights of Columbus, too me it seems you are trying to establish that this man has things going on in his life, but these mentions are a little confusing. 

I also appreciate the use of the sons being drunk after the wedding close to the cemetery. Not only does it have great irony, but shows a true state of emotion that they had for their father. The mention all throughout the story of the sickness Norman had was my favorite aspect of the story in that it showed how desperate and unfortunate this man’s life was and that he was possibly using his degrading life as an excuse to be mean and absurd to his family. 

Overall I enjoyed this story for the great sadness Norman displays, but also for the deep contrast it shows with being mean until the last moments.

Response to David Foster Wallace's "Incarnations of Burned Children"

      “Incarnations of Burned Children” was a very odd written short story. It seemed to be describing a situation in which a fathers child was in an awful accident of spilling steaming water on himself. The voice of the story seems extremely sad and pessimistic, and because it is written in long sentences and in a train of thought point of view, the reader can really tell it is trying to be sad. I am not sure how I feel about not having any dialogue, but it might also be hard to put dialogue in this scenario. It is very short and to the point, but I’m not a fan of the long sentences and no paragraph breaks. I do like the vivid descriptions scattered throughout, although some of them are rather unfortunate and disgusting. I thought the point of the story was for the reader to realize how awful of a situation this and how helpless the father seems when trying to save his child. I had issues with the writing style overall, I think if it would have been written with more paragraph breaks and possibly some dialogue and a little back story, I could figure out what was going on and fell more emotion from that. My favorite aspect of this story was how Wallace accomplished the reality of the theme. I really felt sad for these people, and if I can incorporate this kind of emotion in my stories I think everything I write could be better.

Response to Patrick Padilla's "Baking Cookies"

“Baking cookies” starts off as a typical mom and son situation, in the kitchen baking cookies and talking back in forth. The dialogue was believable and I thought that was a strong point throughout the entire piece. I was a little confused on how old the narrator was. Even though he was calling his mom Mommy he sounded like he was younger. I eventually figured out that the narrator was “slow” although I am not really sure what that is supposed to mean. I think clarifying this would add a good sense of awareness to the story. During the baking scene, I thought the unexpected turn of the mom being perverted was a little weird, but in a good way. I’ve never read something that revolved around a separated mother that likes to play with kids in a not so kid-like way. It did take me a while to realize what the mom was doing, so maybe emphasis this even more in revisions. I enjoyed the tone used by the narrator, talking from the point of view of a younger person who is slow, it worked nicely. I began to think that some of the descriptions were a little tedious, they sometimes began to sound like directions. For example, when in the kitchen, I don’t think it is necessary to explain every step of jumping off the counter, breaking egg one and then egg two in the exact manner that you did. I think more brief, precise descriptions would do well here and move the focus to where it should be on the mom and narrator. I also enjoyed how the beginning of the story set up for the dramatic twist by making the mother seem very normal and simply loving and caring. I did not see much character development from the narrator or mother, as they both seemed to be the same person at the end. Try to create more of this and you will have a more complete story.

Response to Molly Kirkpatrick's "Chase"

      The initial sentence immediately grabbed my attention, as I am not sure how some one with Herpes acts and honestly wanted to find out. The back story between the narrator and Chase is very amusing, and I think that may be the strongest part of the story. I was a little confused on how the flashbacks were not separated from the other text, but that can be easily changed or integrated in a way that is easier to understand. Although the narrator really doesn’t like Chase, in the dialogue about having a quickie in the jeep before getting a tattoo makes me realize that she is somewhat vulnerable to Chase, despite her evil personality of spreading the virus. The way that the narrator describes some of her situations, such as not being able to passionately make love because of the virus, also portrayed her awful sense of humor. 

The tattoo parlor was described very well, with the comparison of the zombie figurines and the fake names for the two guys that were working there, it gave good contrast to the situation. The question sheet at the parlor was also a good indication of how she really felt about getting the tattoo, as she mentions there not being a questions of whether she was in love or not.

The ending really wrapped things up nicely, and the narrators true personality reigned victorious with her sick, deranged personality showing that she thought it didn’t really matter that she was spreading herpes to people. I got the sense that she gave it to Ryan in order to get back at chase, and that somewhere down in her dark heart that she thinks it is simply funny. When Chase sounds as if he really cares that something happened to his buddy Ryan, that’s when the narrator realize she was successful.

Overall, the story had a little bit of everything you need to have a complete story, and ending with how the narrator change was good. I do question however if the narrator really change or if she was like this from the beginning.

Response to Alyson Smith's "Kids"

       The beginning of “Kids” reminded me of of several younger teens getting ready in the morning for school or a similar event. It took me a while to realize the setting and why Jenny, the narrator, had met these girls three days ago. It felt like they were family, so I would clarify where these people are in the first page or page and a half to help clarify some of the confusion. I thought the story did a good job with various short, but vivid descriptions that were effective that I would like to see more of, such as on page five when when the narrator explains “Jeremy grinned, sat back, and stuck a grape in his mouth. In context to the situation, this is a perfect description that gives us all the detail we need. Use more of these in the first few pages in instances such as when Lauren talks about hair dye and when she also talks about being prepared for her period. I thought ,on page two, when the narrator mentions Mary blow drying her hair and about how everyone will be getting wet anyway, that there were sexual undertones here, possibly hinting at the ending. Also, when the group begins their first activity block, the reference to the boys getting the girls wet reminded me of that as well.

Overall, I thought you have a good situation here, but not enough character development or tension. I did enjoy the counselor listening to Little Wayne at a church camp, good contrast, somewhat ironic.   The fact that the narrator likes Jeremy is a start, but with all the characters I kind of got distracted with everyones opinion of everyone else. The ending to me is a good way of saying that Jenna is the girl who wants to take the guy away from another girl. I wasn’t sure why the narrator thought she was a bitch unless it was because she knew Morgan like Chandler. I think you need to make a bigger connection between the ending and narrator, and after including more tension and character development, this church camp situation will feel more like an iron church camp story.