Respons to Matthew Diaz's "Fortune"

      The perspective of the narrator in this piece caught my attention even from the first sentence. The voice is ironic and funny at times that it absolutely shouldn’t be, but it works. The basic premise of the story is simply a robbery scene from the perspective of a man who has a great sense of humor, and doesn’t really feel alarmed until the very end. My favorite parts of the story, although I want to call it a narrative, were the witty lines that were either ironic or funny at inconvenient times, such as on the second page after his dog is shot and he mentions the man on TV laughing as if his dog was just shot, and  on page three when the robber is sticking the gun into his side and is acting like “he wants me to have an excellent home invasion experience.” There are other smaller versions of these types of lines, but they all bring a funny appeal to a story that seems like it wouldn’t be funny, but it works. 

I really did not have a lot of issues with this piece, but two areas I would like to see improved is the ending and the focus. The ending seems liked it stopped in the middle of a scene and did not finish anything. Possibly make this longer and have more happen to ensure somewhat of a ending. The focus to me was on the narrators tone and how he looks at the situations. Although there was plenty of tension with the break and and the burglars killing his dog, what was the main point. How did the character develop? Show the narrate change someway, make this experience he is having change his outlook on something. Use the break in as a means to establish character development more and you will have a terrific story.

Response to Emily Feagin's "With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies"

       This story gave me a real feel of a Southern narrative filled with emotion and powerful moments that make the story almost seem real. Beginning with the title, the word bellies is somewhat of a silly term, but one that gives off a childhood like meaning. The essence of the story seems to be the narrator going back home where she grew up to see her mother, and her memory is fading and it it getting progressively worse. This is also the main point of tension in the story, and I thought more could have been done to emphasize Mom’s fading memory, such as another scene from their childhood reminding the reader that she was once this amazing women, but now is maybe only half of who she used to be. That kind of scene really brings emotion out, especially since I can relate.

The repeating dialogue I thought did a good job emphasizing Mom’s bad memory, but it felt a little repetitive after the second instance. An easy fix their is just put the conversations in different context and mix the word choice up to make it feel like different moments instead of one moment several times. 

I was a little confused on what exactly the story was trying to convey, and if the point is to emphasize the fading memory, it needs to be talked about more. 

My favorite moments in this story were the laid back language used to describe the different moments with the family and how most of the situations seemed to remind me of country living at its finest. I think you could actually use more of these family type moments, as it not only shows that the mother was an important figure to everyone in  the family, but it conveys great sense of realness that makes the story interesting. 

Response to Shelby Rice's "Beyond the Line"

     I enjoyed the great description you have in your piece. Although I have never been in a combat situation, the descriptions of the base and the command post and barracks were all very believable and full of vivid, yet concise descriptions. The first page also sets up the story nicely with the tension of whether the husband will make it home back to her wife.I was hoping for more of that back story within this piece, because when you mention Sophie, it gives the husband more drive to continue his mission and try to get home safely and see her. I thought the ending showed a little more of this, but perhaps if you added a scene of her at home alone waiting for him or another scene before he left, it would add even more tension to an already effective idea. 

The descriptions of how Isaac thinks and runs the numbers through his head to decide where to fire is also a very interesting description. It is a point of view that you might not think about too much in relations to the army, and to see something that feels and sounds realistic makes it very believable. 

Another suggestions I have to add another dynamic to Isaac is to show his thoughts even more. Most specifically, maybe show him break down mentally because he thinks he made a miscalculation or the timing was off, something like that would add more tension.

I didn’t have too many issues with grammar and punctuation either, very clean and precise. The dialogue was also very strong and made me think that army personnel were talking back and forth.

Overall, I would try to tie in Sophie a little more and maybe include more of the ending, does something else happen before he gets home to Sophie? Maybe he thinks he is going home, but finds out he can’t. But continue the great descriptions and dialogue, all of the elements used within this piece was effective to the point where I will try to make my own pieces like this.

Response to Kevin Boy's "Brotherly Love"

     Grammatically, “Brotherly Love” is one of the more error free pieces I have seen. In my opinion, the dialogue was the strongest element, as it portrayed two brothers not only caring for their kids, but arguing with each other realistically in order to decide whether they will be moving or not. My favorite line is on page 5, when William is speaking of his old friend that used to smoke: “I bet it’d be like licking the tailpipe of Grandpa Jon’s old ’85 Ford Explorer; yep, like iron and shame.” This is possibly the best description I’ve heard of smoking a cigarette, and because I have never done it myself, puts it into perspective well.

The kids were also described well, with the description of the kids running through the house screaming daddy and playing video games and not wanting to stop. I was a little worried that it would not contain much action or tension, but with the argument between the two brothers and the burglary, it wrapped up nicely. I thought you could have expanded more on the intruder and the burglary scene. It was so quick that I was left telling myself that more was bound to happen before the ending. 

A few more things I would like to see in future revisions: more development with the brothers relationship and what they decide to do with the move and an expanded more meaningful version of the burglary. Maybe William has to be rushed to the  hospital and is in an awful state, maybe there is more people waiting outside to break in, something like this to add even more kick.

Overall, I thought the dialogue was the strongest element of this piece, as well as minor character development between the brothers and the inference on the kids loving their father. I think, with the current topic your writing about, you can expand it a bit to include more tension to improve the overall action of the piece.

Response to Christina Kettering's "Dress Rehearsal"

     “Dress Rehearsal” was a great read, it had a little bit of everything in it as far as character development and plot, with the dialogue being one of the stronger elements. The realness of the dialogue made me interested and the believability made me want to continue to understand the story page after page. The first few pages with the girls shopping, although I don’t often shop for prom dress, was very nice and had a refreshingly girly atmosphere to the entire setting. With description like “rainbow’s worth of a dress” and “purple and green feathers along the neckline” not only described the clothes in a fantastic way, but generated this sort of shopping, woman like experience. 

I thought something to think about for future revisions is the further use of Sean. I understood his role, but neither him nor Andrew were used enough. They seemed almost like placeholders in the story to move the plot along, but just experiment with getting them involved in something that makes the story more dynamic, possibly going to the actual prom.

The one scene Sean did appear in was great, a believable argument between two high school kids, with the girl obviously ending with an over the top remark that makes Sean with like an awful man. Throw in another argument scene, you did a good job developing this one.

I also liked the conversation in the car between the sisters. The descriptions there painted a clear picture of them going back and forth, and that, although Diana is driving, she is still trying to focus on things other than the road. Maybe this is not an intentional part of the story, but it gives away to the overall indecision of the story.

Overall I enjoyed this story for the believability and reality of a story it is. The arguments were there and the dialogue was very strong. Possibly incorporate even more tension to help strengthen this piece.

Response to Aimee Bender's "Off"

After reading the first page of Aimee Bender’s “Off,” I began to understand and appreciate the writing style she uses. The entire story is written as if the narrator has an awful case of ADD, constantly switching from idea to idea, often without commas and in the same sentence instead of starting a new one or paragraph. 

The basic premise of the story follows this indecisive women who has a mission to taste “all three flavors,” at this party before the night is over. She finds a red head, a blonde and cannot follow through with the black-haired man. She also paints horrid paintings.

I began to think Bender’s writing style was a way of telling the audience how women think and there thought process, as well as short attention span. The simpleness of her word choice and constant flow is a great way to keep attention, and the constant switching of subjects is another way of keeping the plot interesting. I’m not sure if I would follow her writing style in one of my pieces, but it might be interesting to see a similar story written like this from a man’s perspective.

She also omitted most of the usual descriptions we see in short stories, but when she did use description, such as describing the main room table filled with food and wine, it was terrific and effective. I’ve always found it tough, at least at first try, to describe something perfectly in a story to where it fits and needs no corrections. Bender did a great job at using her characters spastic personality to show descriptions the way she looks at them. 

The part of the story involving the painting was very insightful, it showed something the character honestly cared about, but was often not recognized as being good at it, which created great conflict. I’m not sure if I have done this before, but it is definitely I will use in the future in my pieces. 

Overall, “Off” was easy to follow, in part by its simplistic word choice, and it also used the goals of a women to see how obscene, yet true, the atmosphere is like at a party such as the setting of the story. I also had to laugh at the coats, they did seem to be keeping her warm.

Response to T.C. Boyle's "The Love Of My Life"

         It takes a particular piece to honestly hold my attention for the entire durations of the piece, but T.C. Boyle’s “The Love Of My Life” did an almost surprising job at it. The title almost instantly turned me off, something about two lovers seems horribly overdone. But the plot and style used in this piece flipped my perspective, and despite the awful, tragic horridness of the events in the story, I appreciate the descriptions and often times short sentences that enhance the story. 

The first few pages were a bit slow developing and almost lured me in to the trap of being just another young love story. After the description of the couples relationship and brief, yet interesting, description of their current life, it became something I have never read. Boyle uses seems to use sexual innuendoes throughout the entire piece, no t just in the obvious spots. For example, page 138, the last paragraph starts “...they didn’t bother with clothes at all.” This happens to be right before the brief sex scene, an effective use and something that I noticed only after reading it twice. I’m not sure I have used these before in my work, but I would like to test its effectiveness.

Another consistent practice I notice throughout the entire piece is the vivid descriptions,most of which are used when it matters most. A few examples: when China is crying on the edge of the bed in the motel room when the boyfriend tells her she has to “get rid of it,” also when the actual crime is committed behind the hotel, the author paints the scene very horrific and almost sadistic-like. I am fan of using dark and eerie scenes, but these were as awful as it gets. Not written badly,they actually worked effectively with the entire mood and point of the story, but written in a way that proved the point of how China and Jeremy honestly convinced themselves they had done nothing wrong. By emphasizing the awfulness of something, and then having China go back to her dorm like nothing happened was an extremely effective point.

Another moment that demonstrated great emotion was when the narrator tells us that Jeremy honestly knew in his heart that the baby was alive when he put it in the dumpster. This is something I want to use in my future stories, this inset emotion you cannot shake, something that will not go away, a similar feeling to when something bad happens and you know you could have prevented it or made it less traumatic. 

Overall this story surprised me, both by the thought process the main characters used and by being able to keep my attention threw descriptive situations and meaningful dialogue. 

Cole Stuart's "Vacation from Boyhood" Response

The overall style in “Vacation from Boyhood” was very engaging, but seemed a little awkward, and at times, hard to read. I felt there were multiple phrases that could be erases in order for certain moments to be more clearly explained in a concise manner. Repetition was also a concern for me, as this is sometimes a clever device to use. In the cases I outlined in the manuscript however, it was not used in an effective way. I would look back over the piece and simply find another word to replace those instances with.

I did appreciate the wilderness aspect to the story. Whenever the characters would explain how they were attempting to be more manly and masculine, it added this comical, yet serious vision to the story. 

The dialogue I felt could have been revised a bit more. After the exercises in class, and having read lots of dialogue myself everyday, I think that with a few tweaks to make the dialogue more understandable and simple, that the entire story will make much more sense and have a simple tone to it. This also brings me to the point of complexity with this story. Some word choice, such as “voluptuous rolling hills,” and “discernible civilization,” could likely be replaced with more simple words, and there are numerous other situations that would also benefit from revisions like this. 

The moment when the main character says, “I’m really strong,” was a terrific portrait of the characters persona. He wanted to get away from civilization in order to attempt another adventure from his childhood, and this phrase gives insight on how sure of himself he is about his adventure. 

The last sentence is one that perfectly defines what the story is trying to be, but does not have yet. “And that is how I burned down a Wisconsin ice fishing cabin,” is a simple sentence, and yet is funny enough to explain the ending of the story. I believe there are many examples, such as the gas station station scene, that can be cut down and simplified like this very sentence. The ending also gives hints of the comical seriousness that is seen throughout the story of the boys trying to act like many men. Emphasize these moments more and I believe you will have a stronger piece.

Paul Vance "The Day Beverly Lost Jessica" Response

Response to Paul Vance’s “The Day Beverly Lost Jessica”

In “The Day Beverly Lost Jessica,” my focus originally began on the length and structure of the sentences. Although it all makes logical sense, sometimes it is better to break things apart and make them more concise with fewer words and commas, and I feel like this story would greatly benefit from that. It took me until the main dialogue started before I realized really where I was and what was going on. I am a huge fan of deception, but in this case, I think it would be beneficial if things are a little more clear as far as setting and atmosphere. My first thoughts on setting were possibly a movie audition, or even an advertising agency, but eventually I understood where Beverly and company were. 

I enjoyed the imagery of the company, how they were put on to almost be a sort of scam, between the huge crazy wording on their pamphlets to the man with slicked back hair and big sunglasses. It was also a bit corny, but I think it fits well with the story line because of the overall unknown factor of the company. 

The beginning dialogue between the mother and Jackson also seemed a bit immature, but gradually changed to concerned mother dialogue further down the plot. I also enjoyed the majority of the dialogue from page 5 to the end. I thought it did a great job at portraying a salesman role against a motherly role. One of my favorite parts of the entire piece was the use of Jessica singing in the background and still remaining in the conversation. I saw it as a sort of comical and realistic effect that any kid would have, especially in a music studio with lots of awesome buttons and knobs. 

The ending made the story for me. It tied everything up in perfect fashion and helped me to understand everything that was going on, between the negotiations of the mother and Jackson, to the clutter of parents and children in the lobby. It emphasized that the company really just wants to get something on the internet to become noticed and might not have as much an emphasis on the quality of what they decide to post on the internet. The ending was also funny enough to where the reader realizes that this is honestly what we all watch on the internet, and that something doesn’t necessarily have to be quality if it is strange or funny enough.