Response to Shelby Rice's "A Flicker in the Night"

“A Flicker in the Night” is a simple short story about the narrators mother and how she would put her daughter to bed. Some of the things I enjoyed about the story are the simply descriptions and easy plowing word usage. The descriptions of the vanilla and lavender perfume reminds me of an older women and the tenderness and love of a mother. The TV in this story plays the role of sort of a peace maker, as when the narrator listens to the TV, it helps her ease her mind or help her sleep. I think you can work more of the family influence in and explain why the story is all about her being put to sleep. Also, I want to know why the you turned the TV on at the end and why it helps her sleep. You did a great job at using descriptions to explain how the mother reacts to the daughter, such as the description of of laying her hand on the daughters face. I think if you can include more back story on why the mother means so much to the daughter, you would give more validity to the descriptions and this would also explain why the mother is the main focus.

Response to Alyson Smith's "Swiss Cheese"

"Swiss Cheese"is about Bret, a  medical intern, who has been assigned a case a suicide patient that, despite being saved in surgery, wants to die. He is extremely mentally insane and Bret is upset that he can relate with her, as her parents were murdered. I really enjoyed the tone of the story. I honestly felt kind of creeped between Mr. Goodman’s eerie conversations and the way in which Bret responded; it kept my attention until the end. I also enjoyed the dialogue throughout the entire story. Although it was at times cynical,  but it was believable and I appreciated how the dialogue told me many ideas and you did not have to use narration as much. All the blood and gore also played a great roll, it helped increase the tension and create a more intense atmosphere. I do think you need to delve into more aspects of both Mr. Goodman and Brets family. I think if you can intertwine those two somehow, you can create a more empathetic and interesting plot line that may even open up more ideas to include, such as why the family was murdered and maybe even have Mr.Goodman related somehow. I think if you can go deeper into the life of Bret, such as more of her mental life and the voices that she hears, I think you create a more intense story, although right now you have a piece that is eerie and suspenseful, something I enjoy and appreciate from other pieces.

Response to Emily Feagin's "The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac"

“The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac” is a simple tale from the mothers point of view describing her daughters wedding and all the confusion and issues surrounding it. I enjoyed the issue of age, as today this seems like a recurring theme I hear about every week. I wanted to see this played up a bit more, possibly include another scene with Ruth, Isaac and the mother and explain how age is a huge factor, but the kids just don’t get it. The beginning also caught my attention quit well, as the flashback serves as a great remembrance and contrast of the mother having her daughter at a young age and letting go of her years later.

The mothers tone is also very persuasive and makes the audience believe that she just hates the idea of the wedding, but as the end draws closer, you realize that the mother has changed her way of thinking and it almost feels as if she is happy for her daughter. I think you need to incorporate more dialogue and more scenes , as portraying certain aspects would help this story tremendously, especially since it is not very long and you have plenty of room to express multiple emotions in various scenes. I think if you have a scene expressing the mothers hate for the marriage, as well as her change of heart, that this would do the story great justice.

If you want to include the religious theme, I think you need to emphasize it more in Ruth’s life I did not see anything about Ruth praying about marriage or anything of that nature, so including an aspect like that may help.

Response to Paul Vance's "Support Group"

“Support Group” is about Jules, a man with many issues, talking to a support group about all of the awful things he has done, specifically all the awkward times of masturbation. At the end he explains that he would like to receive help and help other people himself, but then decided he has to leave to run “errands.”

I am not sure that I have read an entire story of dialogue from one person. I had to read it twice to realize how funny and fluid the story line is. Most of the dialogue is very believable and makes the audience realize that Jules should really be in this suport group. Although the instances of masturbation are wrong enough, he also mentions he has many problems, letting the audience know that he is likely an untrustworthy narrator. I enjoy this aspect of Jules because you never know when he is going to stop and let someone else talk. He is so concerned about his awfulness that he knows he needs help, but refuses to accept, a true sign of someone in distress. When he continues to tell the group that he is sorry about saying all these things, it gives him a more sympathetic aspect that made me feel like I should care about this person, but then the end came and he didn’t really change at all. I would have liked to see more of a change in Jules, but the ending needs to stay, just possibly have a longer length of time where he really thinks he can change himself. 

Overall I don’t think you should change too much, just emphasize more of a change and you will have a more complete story.

Response to Janelle Green's "Safe"

“Safe” was a relatively simple story that involves a girl who haas had a difficult relationship with her father and finds her comfort in presence of her brother and dog. A few things I enjoyed about the story were the descriptions of how the intruder came into the house, how the daughter’s dog was her kind of soul mate and how the father was described as sort of a loner and someone who just wasn’t right for the type of family they wanted. 

There are a few grammatical errors that make the story more confusing than it should be. Comma splices, the use of the word like and really a lot also make the story have sort of a child like perspective that I do not think you want it to be. 

I felt that character development was there, but lacking at the same time. I want to see more of the brother and sister relationship, as well as both of them with the dog, possibly a scene with all three of them and then the dad pops in unwanted. I want to know what the sister wants from the dad and how either happens or doesn’t. The current ending explains that the dad will likely not change with his awful behavior, but I think if you provide more detail on how the daughter changes with the brother in regards to the relationship between the dad, you will have a much more complete story.

Response to Kevin Boy's "Where to Start"

      Where it Starts” is a short story involving the narrator, Darroll, who is living with a family that find it normal to shelter him from obvious and normal activities. He eventually finds out that a favorite car of his that his grandpa once owned was supposed to be given to him after grandpa died, but his parents lied to him and either sold it or did something else with it. Several things I enjoyed in this story were the description of the basement, as it seemed to come across as very eerie and a place that was filled with the past that Darroll did not want to deal with. I also liked the descriptions after Darroll finds out the car was rightfully his, as it shows his true anger and did not overdue it, but made the audience feel his anger not only toward his parents, but toward the way of life his parents made him live.

A few things that I felt could be changed or corrected is the tone of family. I feel like this story wants to revolve around how different and sheltered the family treats Darroll, but the tone of the parents is too careful for me and not mean enough. It needs more negative emotion. Possibly use more dialogue with the parents to explain how strange and different the way they treat Darroll is. I also did not see much character development from Darroll from start to finish. It seems like Darroll is aware of the way his family treats him, and in the end he is just even angrier. I want to see how he plans to change his way of life, his wants and how his parents plan to counter his actions of possibly becoming more independent. 

I also felt like you could have shown me more with the story instead of told me. There is a lot of descriptions of how Darroll looks at different aspects of life, and I would probably keep most of them, but maybe change the way they are presented by using actions and scenes instead of simply stating what he thinks. An example of this would be when Darroll opens the story by explaining “the voices” in his head, possibly replace this with a scene that shows Darroll realizing these external forces working against him instead of simply stating that they are there.

The grandpa seems to be acting as a sort of savior in the story. Play with this aspect more and try to incorporate it with more emphasize. 

The ending left me with lots of questions. What happens to Darroll? Does he find the car? Do his parents prevent him from finding the car? The ending feels like the ending of a chapter in a longer piece instead of an ending. Incorporate the answers to some of these questions and the story should feel more complete and show more character development.

Response to Jhumpa Lahiri's "Once in a Lifetime"

“Once in a lifetime” is a fairly simply written narrative about an Indian family moving from India back to the United States. We do not find out until the end about the motives of moving back, but the story uses a good sense of slight turmoil and irritation to build tension within the household between the two families. Although there is specific and a scarce amount of dialogue, it seems to work well with emphasizing the points it’s trying to convey. 

Something I would like to try using more in my writing that was present in this piece was the use of a literary device, in this case a bottle of whiskey. Most of the time I have read amateur work alcohol is either over done or thrown in for no reason. In this piece it is mentioned just enough that the reader wonders why the family is drinking it, and after the ending, realizes its purpose and effectiveness. 

I wanted to see more from the crush of the daughter on the other families son. I thought that it would possibly mean something deeper, but after the ending it seemed minute. I appreciated the flow of the writing and how easy and logical the story read, it provided enough detail to understand that the narrator is a shy and almost unnatural individual if your comparing her to an average American, but at the same time she is curious and shows development from start to finish.

Overall, I really enjoyed how the characters finally connected at the end and how certain instances made more sense after realizing that the mother has breast cancer. The writing style worked for me and may be something I would be willing to try on my own, writing in this easy going methodical format.